2007-01-06 - 11:31 a.m.
On Thursday I had a medical procedure to extract sperm. I unfortunately can�t give sperm the simple, old-fashioned way (you know � a cup, your palm, and possibly the inspiration of Jenna Jameson) anymore. I can still produce it on my own (well, with Nya�s help) in a non-traditional manner (I really don�t feel comfortable getting into more detail here) and Nya and I tried that a few times (after our unromantic lab test to make sure I did indeed have viable sperm). But for some reason, that didn�t work.
So I decided to just go for broke and ensure I got enough by getting it extracted surgically. This is actually not a pleasant prospect. Although I�d be put under with general anesthetic for the procedure, it�s still aesthetically unappealing. Basically, the way it works is they shove a cattle prod up your butt and zap you. Like I said, thankfully I�d be out for the count during this. But you do what you have to do. Maintain homeostasis and procreate the species.
Afterwards, I was woozy and exhausted. When we got home that afternoon, I fell asleep immediately and stayed that way until morning. Well, fitfully. I guess because my prostate gland was irritated, I had the maddening sensation of always having to take a leak, but being unable to actually do so. Incredibly unpleasant. Fortunately, it�s gotten a lot better over the last day and a half and feels like it should be cleared up by tomorrow morning. Of course, it�s a small price to pay for the results.
I got a call yesterday from the doctor who performed the operation. He said it was a resounding success! They got a lot of sperm and it�s now on ice. Now, I have a very low sperm count of 1 to 4 million (a regular count is 20 to 50 million). But thank God it�s today and not fifty years ago. While I don�t have enough to ensure conception by having them all swim to their goal, with the magic of in vitro fertilization, all you really need is one, leaving me with 16 million to spare.
I realize the male contribution to pregnancy is pretty minimal and generally goes un-remarked on. But I feel incredibly proud. I feel like handing out cigars. Of course, the real effort will be Nya�s. But I�m so happy we can do this together. Isaac Quinn and Sadie Anthony have the potential of happening sooner than I expected!
� 2007 Geoff Gladstone
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