2008-01-10 - 2:42 p.m.
I just wanted to complain about one of my least-favorite symptoms of my MS: slurring. I�ve been noticing it more recently. Mostly it happens in the evenings, particularly when I�m especially tired. It�s not the result of a cognitive dysfunction or anything (thank goodness). There�s just some muscle I�ve never quite identified near my mouth or vocal chords that stops working right and messes up my talking.
There�s apparently even a medical term for this. It�s called �scanning speech�. Personally, I hate this term. It sounds like you�re scanning a mental dictionary, searching for the right word to say. This is not the case at all with me or with most people who have the issue. There�s no problem finding the right words, just uttering them is sometimes hard. It�s very frustrating, to say the least. People might think I�m stupid or drunk or can�t speak English well. I�ll get to this fear in a minute.
I�m not like incomprehensible or anything. Generally, people actually say it�s not really so bad. I know there are many people (folks with multiple sclerosis, those who�ve had strokes or aneurysms, etc.) who have it far worse than me. Those who have severe versions may even have the associated problem of difficulty swallowing. (I�m told that in order to ingest liquids without choking you may have to put some sort of powder in your drinks that makes them the consistency of Jello. Sounds pretty unappetizing�)
I�ve had the same speech patterns my whole life and now they�ve changed. It�s not quite as dramatic as no longer recognizing your own face because it became different, but it still sucks. I�ve learned to find alternative words for things that are hard to say. Also, I�ve tried to find models for my halting evening speech. If I work it right, I feel like it�ll just sound like maybe I�m considering what I say carefully before I speak (we actually should all probably think carefully about what we say before speaking anyway�)
I�m always afraid that listeners will think I�m drunk or stoned. Or that they�ll think I can�t speak English well and don�t fully understand what they�re saying. Or even worse that they�ll think I�m stupid. I have to resist the urge to shake them and say �Hey, I�m not dumb! I went to two different Ivy League colleges! I�m in grad school now, damn it!� I recently met a guy who had a stroke and has a similar problem. He carries around little written cards to give to people explaining his issue.
I don�t think I�ll do likewise though. Handing out cards would direct additional attention to something I don�t want to be more of a focus than the substance of what I say. If I come across as thoughtful and considerate (if ponderous or overly slow to speak), well there are a lot worse ways to be thought of.
Nya makes funny jokes about my slur and exaggerates my mispronunciation when I garble something (for example I once slurred the name of the book �Nothing About Us Without Us� and now it�s �Nothing Barabus Barabus�). It makes me feel much more confident that she can roll with it :)
� 2008 Geoff Gladstone
If you�ve ever enjoyed my writing, please donate to the Accelerated Cure Project for Multiple Sclerosis and/or the Montel Williams MS Foundation.
Sign My Guestbook!
powered by SignMyGuestbook.com
�
