2005-10-12 - 7:43 p.m.
Last Wednesday, I did indeed talk with the students in this year�s class on disability about sex. There were two other guest speakers, both men with spinal cord injuries. (Were we �sexperts�?) Although I did have the immature temptation, we did not in fact engage in a debate about who got more.
There are of course two sides to discussing sex: the mushy and the nitty-gritty. The students wanted us to start off with the nitty-gritty details, which made me pretty nervous cause I�m not the type to kiss and tell. But it went off relatively low impact, although I thought there was a little too much focus on who could get it up and how they did so. There was a general agreement that there�s a little bit of sexual overcompensation on the part of disabled guys (you know, one-upmanship � �I got her off once; I should go for ten!�).
When we got to the mushy stuff, we realized that we didn�t have a partner of someone with a disability to bring their perspective on such a relationship (teacher Sarah and one of the guests are married and the other guest and I are in relationships, but our partners just couldn�t make it). But I had asked Nya if she wanted to write something for the class. I hadn�t really read it until I presented it:
I don�t know what it�s like to �Date a Disabled Person�. I know what it�s like to date Geoff, who happens to be disabled.
Geoff and I had an overwrought, high-drama relationship many years ago, long before he got sick. I can tell you, it�s much harder to date a 15-year-old boy-genius-emotional-train-wreck than a 31-year-old brilliant, sensitive man who has MS. Much, much harder. (Not to imply that I was a walk in the park.) Of course, loving someone who lives with a degenerative disease comes with a brand new set of fear-based questions � �Will he fall and hurt himself?�, �While pushing his chair, will I hit a jagged patch and spill him?�, �How can I be helpful without being smothering?�. These questions, though, are not often in the forefront of my mind, generally taking a backseat to typical self-involved, girlie concerns � �Does he think that girl�s prettier than me?�, �When is he going to wake up and realize he can do better?�, �How offensive is my morning breath?� etc. I guess what I mean is I don�t feel like I�m dating a handicapped guy � I feel like I�m dating the most amazing person I�ve ever met. (Geoff, are you blushing?)
And now, to the topic at hand: having great sex with a disabled partner requires patience, a sense of humor, and a lot of communication. On the other hand, having great sex with anyone requires patience, a sense of humor, and a lot of communication, doesn�t it? At the risk of over-sharing, I have never been more fulfilled. Suddenly I understand the significance of sexual clich�s � corks popping out of Champagne bottles, fire works, the 1812 overture, etc. That�s all I�m going to say. (Geoff, it�s up to you now how implicit or explicit you�d like to be. You have my permission to work blue if that�s the level of your audience.)
Is it true that the man I love is disabled? Yeah. Would I give anything, anything, to make him better? Anything in the world. But most importantly every moment I spend with him, sick or well, fills me with complete happiness and utter certainty that there is nothing else in this world that I want or need more than him. I�m sorry this was short and sappy. Thank you for your time. Thank you, Sarah, for teaching this class. Thank you Geoff for being my boyfriend. (At this point, Geoff, I can only assume that the entire room has been moved to tears by the power of my words � you should give them a minute to compose themselves.)
� 2005 Geoff Gladstone
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