2005-10-06 - 11:01 p.m.
So N. is Nya. This shouldn�t be too surprising, as I entered a mediocre poem (that I wrote her in high school) when I first reencountered her on Friendster and titled it �for Nya�. I�ve also put links up to outside pages which list her name. And I occasionally leave an entry with her full name up for a bit before I realize I forgot and have to go back and correct it. Plus, she herself pointed out that readers might think her name is Nancy or Nicole or something.
Most of my other top 5 ex-girlfriends have more typical names. But evidence suggests that if you�re going to be my long-term partner, you need an exotic name like Alithea or Nya. (I think her name is derived from some Japanese word proffered by her uncle.) I hope that Nya will be with me for a very long time. I�m too chickenshit now to use words like �always� and �forever�. But today, tomorrow, next week, as Bjork said in her Sugarcubes days. This is my attempt to begin to explain why.
I realize that people who are in love are boring. All they want to talk about is how in love they are. At least that�s how I feel. So please bear with me. I never expected to feel this way. I realize that�s somewhat disingenuous. The other day I told someone I had unexpectedly fallen in love and they pointed out that you never expectedly fall in love. �To do � 3PM: Meet dream partner.� See, it just doesn�t work.
What is perhaps most wonderful to me about our relationship is that it�s a two-way street. I am apparently as good for Nya as she is for me. I find this extraordinary because I guess in the back of my head, I had figured that my disability would make me just so much baggage for another person to deal with from here out. But she reminds me that I�m still a valuable, lovable partner to her.
She draws strength, even guidance, from my practicality and ability to navigate us through day-to-day life. I�ve never been valued by a girlfriend before for my street smarts and hands-on skill. She feels almost reassured by the fact that we make itineraries planning out our activities almost every day (not that we always follow them, but we make them).
She says she trusts me implicitly and uses the word �tutelage� for our relationship, which is funny because I don�t think I like explicitly show her what to do. But she says I�m an example to her just acting on my own. Plus she apparently thinks I�m pretty cute judging from the number of times she jumps on me every day (I�m pretty easy to throw down these days, being a crip and all).
Nya is definitely the most fun person I�ve ever been with. I laugh constantly with her. Yes, she�s a funny girl inherently, but more than that we just have a great time together. I think I�ve recounted enough specific things we�ve done together to drive the point home, but I don�t think I�ll ever get tired of spending time with her. She�s endlessly entertaining.
Nya�s incredibly smart. She says that this is the only relationship she�s been in where she felt like she wasn�t clearly �the smart one�. But I think she�s absolutely brilliant. And she knows far more about things like art and theater than I do. She�s far better read than I am. And she wants me to remind everyone that she�s much better at trivia than me (after all, I only got us second place at Trivia Night at the Uptown Tavern).
We did originally meet at a school for smart kids. Not that such things mean a lot, but she went to a top college at 18 (fine, before she was thrown out for heroin use before it was even fashionable). I went to a pretty good school at 18 too. (Later on, I went to an even better one.) Now we can talk with each other endlessly about highly erudite matters. Also, we belch at each other a lot.
Maybe it�s a shallow concern, but I think Nya is totally smoking. Totally. My little sister remembers her from high school as the hottest girl I�ve ever dated and was very happy to see that impression reconfirmed when she visited out here. My mom recalled her as �pretty and juicy�. At my friend Max�s wedding over the summer, people we had gone to Saint Ann�s with us were amazed I was going out with her again and wanted to know if she still looked the same.
Well, I said, she�s a little older (aren�t we all) and she�s put on a little weight. Why Geoff, they said, that�s perfect for you! I guess I have indeed always liked big girls. (To be quite blunt, no, not �fat chicks�. There�s a difference. To a lot of people, 20 pounds overweight is in the same category as 200 pounds overweight. They�re both an undifferentiated �fat�. Not to say that I don�t appreciate toned bodies � Alithea was really diesel � but I kind of like the fleshy and busty.)
Of course, I sometimes manage to kill her copious passion. As she put it just recently: �I sat down on this couch with the intention of making out with you. But you�ve gone on about regional foods and the state of childcare in America for twenty minutes now.� Doh. But I think I step up and do my duty enough. A lot. It�s such a burden, I assure you.
Nya makes me feel proud of my past. I�ve always made efforts to minimize and laugh at my missteps. Yeah yeah, I flunked out of college, I was homeless for a bit, I had no direction at all for a long time. Ha ha, don�t worry about it. Nya brings me to understand that having made bad choices means you made choices. You did things. You didn�t just keep your head down and carefully toe the line. A colorful history that you�ve learned from is far better than a safe and boring life in which you took no risks.
Nya can match me story for story. Many of the rumors were true. She was a junkie, she was a stripper. She might indeed have gone over the cliff and ended up killing herself, but she didn�t. Now she�s a wiser and richer and more complex person because of her experience. And both of us will continue to learn from what we do and grow in wisdom and beauty.
I�m a pain in the ass to deal with, I know. There�s a fine line between treating me obsequiously with kid gloves, as a �poor cripple�, and acting like I should just tough it out (or maybe just feeling that you don�t have the time or energy to handle my issues). Nya walks this path amazingly well and without seeming like it�s even hard. Furthermore, she sees my capacity to work around disability as pretty cool.
Once when I was visiting her out in Denver, I fell on my face in a very hot hallway (I do worse in the heat) and couldn�t get myself back up. That�s it, I thought. I have just killed any attractiveness I had and any interest she had. I dragged myself over to a down stairway on my stomach so I�d have my legs at a lower level and be able to use the banister to leverage myself up. Ah well, no more loving for me.
But Nya was impressed with my problem-solving ability and resourcefulness. What I�d thought would be a liability, she saw as an asset. I had never thought that my creativity and determination could be admired. So Nya helps me as much as I need and no more. And she knows that I�ll always try to figure out a way to use what I have. If need be, I�ll walk until I have to crawl. But I�ll first try to figure out a way to avoid getting to that point.
Quite simply, Nya inspires me to be better than I ever thought I could be. I didn�t realize how empty I�d been, basically just killing time. What did I really have to live for, after all? I suspect that some of the reasoning behind my early thoughts about multiple sclerosis � I hope it�ll be cured someday, not necessarily in time for me � involved my own feelings of worthlessness. What did it matter if I got better? I didn�t count for much, anyway.
While I still have the hope that no one in the future will have to deal with this, well I want to get healed now. I want to be a better partner for Nya. I am worth something. All my efforts to do a good job, to do my best despite my disability now has a specific purpose. I want to do the best I can, to be better than I thought I could, for Nya. Is she the meaning to my life? She�s brought me to understand that I am the meaning to my life.
I know I sometimes throw around this term too casually, but Nya is unquestionably the love of my life. I can�t get enough of her. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world to be with her. I want to be around to enjoy this for a very long time. You know. Today, tomorrow, next week. Okay, I�ll stop being such a wuss. Always. I want to love her always.
Finally, Nya�s sister Lexi reads this journal and insists that she wants a mention herself. I�m not sure what to say about her. She�s incredibly cool and beautiful and strong in ways I can�t begin to explain. What the fuck was I doing at 22 by comparison? Just being totally out of my mind and depressed and homeless (well, I guess that was actually at 23 but still).
I�ve been learning to condense things into executive summaries these days. So I�ll close with a bullet-pointed list recapping some of the reasons Nya is so awesome:
- Incredibly fun.
- Goddamn genius.
- Hotness incarnate.
- Fellow traveler on the road less taken.
- Treats me exceptionally well.
- Makes me a better man.
Thus, I hope you will agree that Nya represents excellent character and outstanding quality. Thank you for your time.
� 2005 Geoff Gladstone
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