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2005-08-18 - 7:08 p.m.

Last night N. took me to see �The Aristocrats� (at the Mayan Theater, which is quite nice inside, decorated in imitation of a Mayan temple � on the cool side of corny). It�s a documentary made by Penn Jillette about a single joke. It was impressive for its ability to stay funny for 90 minutes on such a small slice of humor.

The joke is very old and is mostly told among fellow comedians (stand-up comics don�t really tell jokes anyway these days, just mostly relate anecdotes and observations). It has a very loose format and so gives comedians a chance to ad lib and riff in the flexible middle part. Basically, it�s a chance to see how lewd and gross you can get while still being funny.

The general outline:
So this guy goes into a talent agent�s office and says he has a great act. �What�s the act?� asks the agent.
Now here�s the part where the comedian describes the most horrifying routine imaginable, usually incorporating extremes of sexuality, scatology, other bodily fluids, incest, and/or bestiality.

�It�s a family act. I come on naked and start fisting my wife. Then our 6-year old daughter comes on and blows our 10-year old son. Then we switch and I fuck our son up the ass while my wife fists our daughter. Then we both shit on the kids, who vomit and we all smear it all over each other. Then for the finale, the family dog comes on and pisses over all of us! Whaddaya think?�

�Hmm. What�s your act called?�
Punch line here:
�The Aristocrats!�
Comedy, see. Variations get told and discussed by George Carlin, Robin Williams, Steven Wright, the staff of the Onion, and every other comedian you can imagine. Carrie Fisher talks about it. Kevin Pollak impersonates how Christopher Walken told it to him. Gilbert Gottfried tells it at a Friars Club roast.

Anyway, it�s really a very funny movie and you should go see it. It got me thinking about how lucky I am that N. is a hilarious girl. Sketch comedy is her life�s work (we�re moving to Chicago so she can study it at Second City Improv). I�m not going to recount individual funny things she says, because it�s just an ongoing and consistent part of her.

But I want to note the unfortunate fact is that you spend more time with your partner out of bed than in it. The fact that N. is so enjoyable on a day-to-day basis is just incredible and makes me very happy. I laugh constantly. She inspires me to try and match her level of wit. Don�t you need a license or something to be this much fun?

Many years ago, a friend of mine had a girlfriend who I thought was just kind of a drip. She had vague and vapid consumerist aspirations (she�d make him buy her bottles of wine she didn�t really know anything about because they were expensive). And dare I say, she was dumb as a post and didn�t know it. She went to a bottom-tier law school (the kind that lets you in if your money�s green) and graduated third from the bottom of her class. I�d say well, at least she graduated, but no firm would hire her afterwards and she was folding shirts at the Gap for a long time.

One day she announced that she was going to cook dinner for my friend, something she�d never done before (mostly, he took her out). She made a big deal of it and talked it up for over a week. He was sort of impressed that she�d taken some initiative and would show a modicum of practical skill (even if cooking isn�t exactly some extraordinary task). He was almost proud of her and looked forward to the promised meal.

When the big day came, she was still prattling on about what a great dinner she�d made, so he figured he had something good coming. Then she brought out a plate of ravioli that had obviously been bought at a gourmet grocery, boiled up, and plated nicely. Sauce (from a jar) had been drizzled on the edge of the dish. This was what she had hyped for all that time.

He was absolutely livid and frustrated, although he managed to smile through it. If this was all she could do, fine, he appreciated just the effort. But why the hell had she made all that hype, only to make such a lackluster delivery? She came off as totally incompetent in this practical capacity and hadn�t even generated sympathy by downplaying her ineffectiveness. His gut reaction to her uselessness was �Damn it, bitch! Get in bed.�

Reflecting on this later, he realized he wanted someone with whom he could enjoy common interactions. (When this particular relationship inevitably disintegrated, his frustration led to him throwing her into a Dumpster during a fight. Although I witnessed this, I�m afraid I didn�t do anything because I secretly thought that was about the right reaction to her�) He dreamt of someone who was, if not handy, at least entertaining. Wouldn�t it be great if, when you came home, your girl would do magic tricks?

Well, I think I win after all this time. My girl is endlessly entertaining. Essentially, she can do magic. I know performing improv comedy on stage doesn�t come easy. Being funny unscripted for a long time and making it come off as natural is hard. And sometimes you�re going to fall flat and you just have to roll with it and keep going. But in our daily life, N. cracks me up regularly. I love her for her effort and for her delivery. She�s the most fun partner I�ve ever had.

� 2005 Geoff Gladstone

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