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2005-06-18 - 8:49 p.m.

Okay. Okay, I could marvel at this endlessly and still never get to the bottom of it. But I want to at least get out the narrative of what happened (well, minus the explicit details; I�m not the type to kiss and tell and this isn�t that kind of blog). So this is the story of how I got my groove back and, more than that, of one of the most beautiful experiences I�ve ever had.

I knew N. lives in Denver now and that she�s in an improv comedy troupe. I wanted to see her and catch up. We didn�t talk much after high school (in fact, we barely spoke to each other at all in later high school after we�d stopped going out) and I knew she�d had some hard times. I heard rumors: she was a junkie, she was a stripper. But I heard nonsense about a lot of people, including myself, and I thought that she felt bitterly towards me, so I tried not to be too distressed over rumored dire straits.

The last time I saw her was years ago at a friend�s memorial service (RIP, Kate). Everyone was so broken up that we couldn�t even think about where we wanted to go afterwards to drown our sorrows. N. (who had quite an entourage in tow as I recall: boyfriend, boyfriend�s friend, boyfriend�s friend�s friend) was so strung out that she was all hyped to go to some cool bar she�d heard about. We were all too distraught to do anything but follow her.

At that rate, she seemed to be heading for a bad end. When I got back in touch with her last year, I was very happy to find that she wasn�t dead and wasn�t a junkie. I was sort of worried about seeing her live now, with me as a crip. But I figured � we both figured � it would be pretty much �Great to catch up!�, air kiss, have a nice life.

I went to her show on Friday night. She had left me a message saying she�d rather I not tell her whether I was going or not cause it would make her nervous knowing she was performing for someone she knew. Unfortunately, I got to the theater early and ran into her out front. She was smoking a cigarette and I was sitting on the hood of a parked car after Phil had dropped me off. It was so surprisingly unbelievable to see her in the flesh. I�d forgotten how beautiful she is.

She hadn�t gotten married with Charo. After eight years, she�d recently broken up with her boyfriend, although they were still living together. Yeah, I can relate (at least they have a 2 bedroom, so there�s separate space). I think the Debbie Harry resemblance was mostly attitude, but I could see how I channeled Bjork from her. Like I said, still beautiful.

Her show was hilarious. She�s so funny. I know she thinks I�m just saying that, if she�s reading this, but she really is. I realized how hard improv comedy is. I know I could never just riff for an hour and a half on audience suggestions and have it come off as easy and funny the whole time. I mean, being able to do that is really good. (And I was an actor; I should know. Actually, N. and I performed in a few shows together in early high school, before I became too scared of her.)

After the show, we went out to a nearby bar. Getting there required me walking a block and a half through LoDo�s pedestrian mall. Kind of a stretch for me, but I didn�t want to let on how hard it was. It was to the left, so I had a wall to grab on my left side. I�m not sure I could have done it the other direction. For the last part, we had to cross the street catty-corner and N. had to help me. Usually I use people�s right shoulder to balance with my left hand, but she slung my arm around her left side and grabbed me around the waist and that felt about right.

We sat at a table off by ourselves and got drinks (she�s a Chardonnay girl and in fact created a character named that � although I�m afraid I can�t find the Denver Post article about that). Okay. I�m such a lightweight these days (partly it may have been the altitude and partly I�ve actually dropped from middle- to junior welterweight) and I was pretty tipsy after one beer. I was noticing more how totally smoking she still is. I confessed that I was thinking about kissing her, but I was no longer agile enough to lean across the table and do so, so she�d have to make the move. She said she�d have to finish her cigarette and we�d talk about it.

After the cigarette, she zoomed in. It was so unreal. After fifteen years. But it felt so absolutely, undeniably right. (And before you go off on my faithlessness, let me say that I haven�t heard from H. in weeks. She hasn�t returned my calls or email. I�m actually a little worried she�s like dead or something. I mean, she�s a sick girl and certainly I can take it if she were to just tell me she didn�t want to talk to me anymore.) I told N. I was sorry I was seeing her like this, but she pointed out that I was seeing her like this and that was a good thing, far better than not seeing her at all.

She kissed me again outside the bar. Her friend drove me home and we made plans to meet for dinner the next day. But the next day, I was so anxious that I couldn�t physically move enough to shave and shower and meet her. In fact, I fell and cracked my chin, bleeding all over Phil�s floor (this is relatively uncommon � as I�ve said, I�m pretty good at falling these days). I was completely devastated and called N. to apologize profusely. She told me not to worry about it; we could just meet the next day. This was oddly previously unconsidered and almost revelatory. I guess I was really nervous about it all.

Sunday evening, we met at a barbecue place near her. I�d thought it was a little fancier than it turned out to be (they did have really good ribs, though). She noted that was okay, since deep down she was really a fast-food kind of girl. It was counter-service and when she brought back our food, I protested that I hadn�t given her money for us. She sighed at me and said dinner was on her if I paid for the hotel.

I don�t think either of us realized how much we both needed this. She was very worried and lonely being newly single after so long. She said she felt like no one paid attention to her (I don�t understand; I�d pay attention all day if I had the opportunity). Less than a year ago, I had resolved to put the whole romance aspect of life behind me and not look back. Since then I�ve grown a lot, realizing early on that I ain�t dead and even having some dates (that I was asked on and that I asked them on) and kisses (with girls old and new). But it had really been intellectual, rather than visceral, knowledge.

It was amazing. Beautiful. Exhilarating. Explosive. Fun. I could probably go on for several days. Shoot, maybe I will at some point. We even had an encore the last night I was there at some hotel by the airport (after coming in second at Trivia Night; I thought I�d have no chance after that). We felt so incredibly comfortable with each other. It felt like we�d known each other when we were kids, because we had.

And now? Neither of us are really sure how to proceed. We call each other all the time now. She asked me to come out again and see her next month when the ex is on a road trip. We also made a drunken pact to have kids together in 3 years if we haven�t found other people, since we�re not getting any younger. But it occurs to me that she�s not some sort of fallback plan. I think I want to have kids with her now. Gaah. Is that the afterglow talking? Am I being a girl emotionally?

She�s moving to Chicago in a few months to study with Second City, training ground for John Candy, Bill Murray, Joan Rivers, Eugene Levy, and a bunch of SNL players. And to start a new life. Again, I can certainly relate. I know it seems facially ludicrous for me to want to move out there and join her. But it feels so completely right. I think I need to think things through a lot.

� 2005 Geoff Gladstone

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