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2005-05-27 - 12:15 p.m.

We met online. But here�s the thing. We met online in 1995, a long time before anyone non-geeky was doing this. The Internet still had a tinge of nerdiness about it and actually meeting someone from it� well, it just wasn�t done. (I honestly forget exactly �where� we met � IRC, probably.)

We emailed and talked on the phone. A lot. I seem to remember I was always cooking when she called. I was living in Cambridge in a building with 17 sides and a very hands-on, practical, engineering-type roommate. I was starting to slide into absolute madness and depression (1995-96, 1996-97, and 1997-98 are perhaps my �lost years�).

I�d just been kicked out of school. I had no real job. I had no real purpose. I still DJed my radio show Friday nights, otherwise I don�t know I�d have anything at all to look forward to. I didn�t think anyone cared at all about me. Talking to her kept me sane.

She lived in way upstate New York. She�d only gone to a bit of college (most of my girlfriends went to Ivy-type places, but some went to art school or never went to college at all). She didn�t seem to know quite what to do with herself and she wasn�t very happy. I hope I helped her a fraction as much as she helped me.

She came to visit me Independence Day weekend 1996. Drove over seven hours from Oswego, NY, to Cambridge, MA, to see me. I couldn�t believe anyone would do that; I didn�t think I was worth it at all. She was wearing a grey Army t-shirt, which I stole. She was beautiful.

We fell completely in love. We went to see the fireworks over the Charles River on July 4th. Fireworks still make me think of her. A friend who saw us there thought we were long-lost lovers, the way we swooned at each other. We went all over Boston together. We couldn�t keep our hands off each other; she was the hottest thing I�d ever experienced. When she left, I cried of course. We saw each other a few times again later in the summer. We were still very much in love and we still couldn�t keep our hands off each other.

A year later, I was doing my radio show on July 4th. I was missing her so much that apparently aching sadness was coming through in my voice, prompting a listener to call and ask if I was all right (this was oddly touching). Cue �Retreads� by the U.S. Bombs, if you want the soundtrack we listened to (free sample here or download here).

Neither of us had the guts to commit to a serious relationship. Partly this was just the practical logistics. We lived far apart. She had an on-and-off boyfriend. I soon unwisely moved in with L., the depressed girl. Partly it was the fact that we were weirded out by how we met. Online? Huh? Partly I think she could sense that I was maybe more of an emotional train wreck than she wanted to deal with.

But we�ve kept in touch ever since and we�ve gotten together occasionally over the years. The sparks still fly and we always seem to end up in bed together. A few years ago, during one of the occasional periods when Alithea would break up with me (not an auspicious sign in retrospect, I know), she invited me to Houston where she was going on business. Again we went all over town and couldn�t keep our hands off each other. Then, as usual, we went back to our separate lives.

Today she manages a bookstore in Chicago�s O�Hare airport. I�m incredibly proud of her because she conceived of an apparently novel concept in airport bookselling. What if we ran this place like a bookstore instead of a soulless pretzel or souvenir stand? She has stuff like staff picks and author signings (and most authors fly through O�Hare on national book tours), T.C. Boyle and Neal Pollack. People say �Wow, this is like a real bookstore!� Actually it is a real bookstore. She does 20 times the business of comparable stores.

I know she doesn�t think she did, but she helped tremendously last summer. I was having such a hard time dealing with becoming more disabled. Being able to talk to someone who cared meant so much. It must have been so hard for her, even if she didn�t recognize it consciously. When someone you care about is having a strange problem, it�s so easy and tempting to just avoid them. (This happens a lot more than you�d think, trust me.) She was there for me.

Were we actually meant to be together? Are we just stupidly avoiding it? I�m afraid it seems unlikely anytime soon. We live further and further apart and go on with our separate lives. Sometimes I think about us being back together when we�re old and grey, after our partners have died. Maybe.

She�s not coming out here for commencement, alas. We made the plans for this before I�d started seeing H., who I think I really kind of like a lot, and when her on-again/off-again boyfriend was off-again. I don�t really get his problem now. Even with any potential of nookie removed, he still chafes at letting her so much as see anyone she was ever involved with, even a decade ago. He seems to see me as a threat, which is kind of weird to me cause I don�t feel very threatening these days.

I could balk at her staying with such a controlling guy. But I know she�ll be with me in spirit on Sunday. I don�t think I could be prouder for my graduation to even be thought of by anyone else.

� 2005 Geoff Gladstone

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