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2005-04-30 - 3:59 p.m.

As you know if you�ve been reading, I had a date last week. It was with that girl who reminded me of Bjork and we went to Starbucks, a quaint Pacific Northwestern literary-themed caf� around here. I ran into her earlier in the day and asked her out again after our next class. She agreed and I followed up with an email to make sure. I offered to trade my stories about the Ramones for hers about Bruce Springsteen, tales of my checkered past for hers, my fears about the future for hers.

It was so nice. We seemed to have really good chemistry and we talked for hours. She�s a big Springsteen fan and is doing her final paper in our gender studies class on the validity of the image of the Boss as a paragon of masculinity. She reminded me that John Cusack in High Fidelity asks Springsteen (via a poster) for advice on confronting his girlfriends like a man.

She�s not really sure of her post-graduation plans. Her grandfather back in Iowa is pushing her to apply to law school. I wasn�t sure whether to discourage or encourage this, but noted that most of my friends who went to law school either wished they had taken time off after college or were glad they had.

I think we told each other a lot. I talked about plans for my future business and wonders about where/how I�d live. I shared stories with her that I don�t usually tell people (although I�ve written them here, but that�s different somehow) like K. and Josh the ex-junkie. It�s funny that I�m apparently interesting to other undergrads for even having a past history.

I felt like it was such a good time that I asked if she wanted to continue later by getting dinner. She agreed and said she�d call me after going jogging. But when she did, she said she�d decided to clear out of town to avoid Spring Weekend (when the usually marginal frat scene becomes ascendant and acts like this is Florida State) and even the temptation of being around people drinking.

She had told me some before about her past as a drugs-and-booze girl. That was why she�d taken time off from school. Now she was in recovery. I was really impressed that she was doing what it takes to stay clean. I can certainly relate to doing what you have to do. She wanted to hole up for the weekend at a friend�s house who�s also in recovery.

Then she emailed me when she got back and said she just couldn�t do dinner because she felt that she just couldn�t really engage in regular social interactions. Recovery is hard; just the normal activities of getting through a day are exhausting (again, I can certainly relate to that). She felt that she just wasn�t strong enough yet in her sobriety to deal with much social or emotional interaction.

I thought she was kind of selling herself short by forgoing regular socializing, even if it wasn�t going to be with me. But what the hell do I really know about recovery. She obviously does. She noted that addiction is a disease and I guess I�d never really thought through the implications of that. It means there are going to be things you simply aren�t capable of doing and you have to learn to accept that and adapt. Yeah. I think I know the feeling.

I know how much I hate it myself when people hold me up as some sort of exemplar. But I have to really admire her and what she�s doing, even if it means I won�t get to know her more. Just like I thought it was cool that she left town to avoid even being around stuff that�s not good for her, I think it�s cool that she�s willing to not be in social situations that she knows she can�t handle. I�m pretty impressed by people understanding their capabilities and limitations and taking active steps to work with them. The best of luck to her.

So no relationship there. But here�s the thing: it�s not me, it�s her. I asked a girl out, we went out and had a good time, and realized it wasn�t going to work out longer term because she�s wrapped up in her own issues. The fact that I�m a crip had nothing to do with it. I�m back, motherfucker. Boo-yah.

It made me confident enough to spontaneously ask out another girl. Oddly, we went to the very same Starbucks. But I think that�s another story for another time.

� 2005 Geoff Gladstone

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