2005-02-20 - 5:53 a.m.
K. and I went out starting when I was 23. She was my housemate in Cambridge; I do not recommend this. I was near the bottom of my craziness and I suppose I subconsciously saw the chance to try to take care of someone even crazier than I was by dating her. She eventually moved in with her wealthy half-brother in Brooklyn and, having no job at the time, I would go down there a lot to see her.
She was absolute insanity. She became obsessed that her hair was falling out. She would go outside with no clothes except for an overcoat. She was really into consumer culture and would keep track of favorite salespeople at make-up stores. She was incredibly smart, but didn�t even apply to college, knowing it was too much routine for her. (She was also probably the most beautiful girl I�d ever been with, with a tragic vulnerability that it almost hurt to look at.)
Eventually, acting crazy got her seriously hurt. The car-crash-waiting-to-happen that she was happened. I couldn�t really deal with it and blamed myself for not taking better care of her. But we were sort of on the outs anyway and I finally just disconnected myself.
I kept in only vague contact with her for years afterwards. A couple years ago I realized I hadn�t heard from her in a while and gave a call. She launched into a litany of various expensive products she was buying � sleigh beds and clothing and such. I expressed some surprise that she was making the money for this (she had always been chronically unemployed). She said she wasn�t ashamed of what she did and then continued her tales of products.
�I don�t understand. What are you doing? Are you an exotic dancer?�
�Oh no, I could never do that.�
�Are you like a dominatrix?�
�No, I make much more than them!�
�Wait. No. Are you an escort?�
�Well. I make a lot of money.�
I was absolutely beside myself. It took some heavy drinking and serious psych counseling to come to terms. Eventually I accepted that she was certainly no longer my problem, if she�d ever actually been. And better that she�s very high-end than turning $40 tricks on the side of the highway. Indeed, God forgive me for thinking this is almost cool: one of her early clients? Bruce Willis.
So I talked to her enough after that to realize that she was accepting of where she was and even almost happy. But far beyond my understanding. Top five she unquestionably is, but I didn�t need to recontact her as I already knew what she was up to. Instead, the awesome non-top 5 ex S. subbed in.
S. and I went out at Harvard (I think she was my favorite part). She was my co-star in a play and spending so much time with her rehearsing, I got to like spending so much time with her. Opposites attract and I found her straight-laced front as appealing as she found my punk self-implosion. (Although I remember she�d found it amusing to point out that I usually put on a straightforward U2 album as background noise when we got it on�)
She was from Rhode Island and offered to meet for lunch when she was back visiting family over the summer. The first place we went was closed for something, so we walked (I could still do this okay) to an outdoor bar at the mall with a nice view of the city and really cheesy music. She looked as pretty as ever, of course. I managed to only mention once how her cheeks still got rosy red when she blushed, which she then did.
After years as a technical writer in San Francisco, today she�s in a creative writing MFA program in Austin, where she lives with her boyfriend. She seems very happy and it was awesome to see that she was in such a good place. While in town she was researching her novel-in-progress, which seems to involve a very exotic plot. I expect you to buy many copies when it comes out.
She had warned that revisiting exes, even her, would only leave me feeling sorry for them or myself. But I did not. Rather it was sort of good to be reminded that at one time I came off as kind of a scary and sexy guy to her straight girl � a welcome reminder after feeling that Alithea ultimately found me more cuddly than dangerous and thus no longer attractive. (I said I hoped that I hadn�t been too alarmingly loose-cannon seeming when we dated. She said no, I didn't permanently traumatize her, even if she did stick to blond Midwesterners for a while after me.)
And in her words: �As for the cuddly vs. dangerous issue, I would argue that you're more of a catch today than when you were 21. The generosity and good humor are more apparent now that they're not obscured by the grumpiness and the ponytail. My own sense is that in any long-term relationship you can expect some of the glamorous mystery of your partner to wane a bit. I think it's supposed to. Otherwise it means that the person you're dating is so profoundly remote that you�ll probably never be able to have a real conversation with them. Alithea really shouldn't have expected you to stay Dangerous for six freaking years, and it's perhaps to your credit that you didn�t.�
Few nicer things have been said to me; it was just what I needed at the time. So read her diary here � it�s great and how I found diaryland. And buy all her future novels.
� 2005 Geoff Gladstone
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