2005-02-17 - 8:40 p.m.
N. and I dated in high school. She lived on Staten Island and I have a floating memory of drunkenly taking the ferry back from seeing her, standing on the edge with the nighttime Manhattan skyline looming larger and larger. Except when I think about it, to get to this vantage point, I would have had to climb over several gates and guard rails. Things like this remind me that I was not a wise young man.
I saw her on Friendster when she joined, shortly before Alithea left. I guess I got the idea of revisiting my exes from corresponding with her. These are excerpts (lightly edited and shifted around for narrative flow) from our emails, extending into the summer. I think they explain things better than I could retell them:
All this was a long time ago and I�ve lived several lifetimes, as have you I�m sure. Maybe it doesn�t really matter anymore. But it matters to me, now, at this moment, magic hour on a cool and sunny New England day. I�m overtired. I just finished exams; I have final papers to write. I want to go to sleep. There�s so much I could say, but how are you?
How am I? Well, after years and years of self-abuse my brain only works occasionally and my body makes funny clicking sounds when I move. On the other hand, the show that I co-wrote and am starring in opens in three weeks, so that�s a good thing. How are you? Are you happy? Are you healthy? Are you in love? Tell me everything.
P.S. It�s really good to hear from you.
Am I happy. At the moment I�m at work, which is boring (boring is what I need right now) but looks good on a resume. Soon I�ll stumble with my new cane back to my Brown-owned apartment, which is small but single. Here in this tertiary city, I am beginning a new life on my own as Geoff 7.0 (or so). Scary, but I�ve reinvented myself many times before and I can do this. So yeah, despite the circumstances, I guess I�m happy.
Healthy. My body actually works rather poorly these days, but that�s cleared my head wonderfully.
Although right now we're sort of in a crisis-inspired limbo, in general I�m very much in love (Alithea finds it amusing to list our relationship on Friendster as �open marriage�). But ask again around 5/15, after finals.
What is your show?
My show is actually sketch comedy with original songs. I co-wrote it with 5 other people. We open in three weeks and we still can�t agree on a title. I like your partner�s name. How long have you been together?
Me, I�ve been engaged for three years. Mostly because planning a wedding makes my head hurt. However, I found a wedding package in Vegas where you get to meet the actual real-life Charo, so I think that�s the way to go.
Although like I said, my brain doesn�t always work, here are some things I do remember:
-You doing a happy dance to cheer me up when my PSAT scores sucked
-Poker night at my house in Staten Island. I was always the �bar wench�
-Sitting on a stoop with you having a conversation about how if our relationship was a movie no one would pay to see it.
P.S. What are you studying up there at your fancy Ivy League skool?
P.P.S. Cane?
I�ve been with Alithea for 5 1/2 years. Although I�ve recently been wondering if we�ve actually been together for 1 year, 5 1/2 times. She�s everything to me and I don�t think I'm much to her. Could just be low self-opinion. I dunno.
I�m doing Urban Studies at my fancy college. College the first time didn�t last very long for me. I was a pretty troubled young man, as you may recall. I went on with life, of course, after a while. I�m very glad to be here; college is wasted on the young.
Yeah, cane. Although I�ve learned to use it more, I initially got it (I got worse just a few months ago) for other people�s benefit. You see a guy stumbling around, your first thought is �He's drunk or strung out.� But people cut some slack for a cane. Not that I couldn�t still be drunk, I guess. I don�t mean to be coy about the issue here, I�m just a coward. (A bit more detail is at geoffchaucer.diaryland.com.)
I�ve been thinking about memory too. I know there were things that bothered me long ago. I know they weren�t bullshit, they were quite real. I was already sort of pulling away from them, but after I got sick (and not through any sort of deliberate effort) they were gone. I really can�t remember why or how I was so upset. Although to this day, I�m still not very proud of not being a very stand-up guy when you got pregnant.
I guess it doesn�t really matter now. What matters is the first time I ever ordered wine. You, me, and Lexi were at that place on Montague St. that your dad liked. Someone decided that I should order a bottle of wine and Lexi started bouncing around about it � �Yeah yeah order wine, Geoff!� I was pretty nervous, but you were looking at me with a skeptical eyebrow and a quietly challenging smile and I knew I had to show you I could. (As I recall, the waiter sort of rolled his eyes at obviously underage drinkers, but played along. After we�d finished, Gail [the head of our high school] sat down at the next table.)
What matters is waking up early with the sun streaming into your window onto your skin and understanding for the first time what is beautiful and what I will strive towards for the rest of my life.
What 15 year old can be a stand up guy when they find themselves in a situation like that? Be nice to yourself. As far as what went wrong way back when, I think it simply comes down to � we were young. I don�t recall you doing me any great wrong (maybe you did, ya bastard, but I don�t remember it.) For my part, I know I played a lot of stupid head games. After all, you were my first real relationship and I think I was just trying to figure out who I was, what I wanted out of relationships, and what being in a relationship even meant. Who knows what would have happened if we had been older and wiser.
OK, I should confess that when I decided to revisit my top 5, you were the one I was most worried about discovering something bad. (Well, there is one who�s come to a very bad place, but I already knew about that.) You looked not-at-your-best the last time I saw you and, although that was years ago, you seemed like you would go off a cliff at that rate. So I�m really glad that you saw this and headed it off.
It occurs to me that I�m dumb for retaining a nagging doubt in the back of my mind about how I was 15 years ago. You are quite regal for pointing this out. So, uhm. Thanks.
(Of course, I really do need the cane now and I'm up to Geoff 7.2 or so.) I really want to follow up with N., as she kind of dropped out of communication after this. Did she get married? How did her show turn out? And does she really look as much like a cross between Debbie Harry and Bjork as I remember? It�s been so long. A friend of mine recently moved to Denver. Maybe when I visit I�ll go see her show.
� 2005 Geoff Gladstone
Sign My Guestbook!
powered by SignMyGuestbook.com
�
